Home, and No Baby

We stopped for R&R Pizza in Cottonwood before returning to Sedona for the night. The NICU in Flagstaff told us that the place we were staying closed its front office at 6pm and we were leaving town around 5:30. We'd never make it up the canyon to Flag in time. The nurse I spoke to told us also that our son had arrived safely and was fast asleep in his bed. It made me feel better that he wasn't hysterically crying because his mommy wasn't there. I felt somewhat guilty that we were not planning to go up to see him that night, but we were both exhausted, physically and mentally, and we all needed a good night's sleep. We made plans to go up to Flag first thing in the morning to check in to our family house, see our son, and make financial arrangements with the state.





I wanted R&R pizza because it is the best pizza in Cottonwood, and Corey said he would treat me to anything I wanted. I remembered being on the phone with my dad on the way there and nonchalantly telling him we were on our way to pick up our pizza. He was amused that we were getting carry-out pizza after just having a baby. His slight chuckle was perhaps the only bit of laughter I had heard that day. The entire day had been spent in a state of worry, not knowing what was going on or what to do about it. Then, once we did know, it turned into worry about whether or not we'd make it to the hospital. After that, the worry transferred itself to my son, and whether or not he would have any complications with his health due to his premature birth.





Looking back on the birth, Corey and I recounted our individual experiences on the way home. Corey had told me about his encounters with the medical team as they hooked our newborn up to the various monitors and IVs. He told me about how our son had kicked out his first umbilical IV with his foot. It was as if he didn't want it there and was telling them so. He seemed a determined little soul, not to be messed with. I told him how my mother thought we had gone in for an ultrasound to see if the baby was ok, and how she freaked out when I told her we had had our baby. I also told him how Dillon (Niccole's husband) had called to tell us he was at our house with the hoses we wanted for the water birth. I told him we had our baby and that it was a boy and how shocked he was. I shared with Corey how great I felt after having gave birth and what a treat it was to have hormones so strong that I didn't care that my baby was early, but rather satisfied knowing that he's asleep somewhere. I was just too happy that we made it to the hospital in time and I knew that if we could reach the hospital before he was born, that the medical team would know exactly what to do. I trusted them and knew they would take good care of my baby. That's what they are there for, obstetric emergencies. This was clearly an obstetric emergency.





When we arrived at our condo, three pizza slices later, I slowly walked around the downstairs. There was still a puddle of amniotic fluid in the bathroom where my water had broke. There was still a trash can with sick in it from when I went into transition (hard labor). Corey obliged by putting it outside for us to deal with later, we just didn't have it in us to clean that one up yet. I went upstairs to change into some jammies. It occurred to me that I should start pumping my breasts so that I wouldn't loose the ability to nurse since it would be tomorrow before I could do any nursing. Corey was such a sweetheart and dutifully went to Walgreens' to buy a breast pump.

I was flabbergasted at the price when he told me how much it cost. It seemed silly for a small little bicycle horn with a bottle attached to it. We put in The Sound of Music and Corey took care of boiling the parts to the hand pump in the kitchen. I remember looking in on him from the couch after the water started to bubble. I was standing there, his face in the updraft of steam from the pan, sobbing, almost wailing, uncontrollably. He had spent his entire day as an observer. He could not step in and do anything for me or for the baby. It was all up to other people, and all he could do was watch. It was my chance to watch now, and wittiness the hard exterior he had to wear all day melt into the boiling pot of water. It made me cry too, watching and listening to his sobs. It felt strange. We were at home, my belly was soft and unfilled. We were in our home, but we had no baby. It was almost as if it had never happened. I had never been pregnant, I had never given birth. I will never forget how empty and strange that felt.