Round 2

It has now been three and a half years since the birth of my son, Carrick. He is a happy, healthy, exuberant, and intelligent three and a half-year-old. Last year, my husband and I decided that the time was right to start trying to expand our family. Carrick was getting older, I was about to turn 30, and we were financially stable. It wasn't until May of this year that we actually succeded in creating the being who will be our next child.

Ever since my experience in massage school, when I first found out I was to become a mother, I had this idea in my brain that all-natural, organic birth was the only way to go. Hospitals were just a sterile, baby-factory, not to be considered by anyone who loved thier child. Part of my disappointment with the way Carrick was born was the fact that it was the complete opposite of what I had planned, or imagined in my mind.

We had planned to be at home and we ended up in a hospital. I had planned to give birth in water, while squatting. Instead, I was lying down on a bed. I wanted there to be soft voices, and soft music. Wrong again, mothing but loud, panicked voices. Dim, ambient lighting was another expectation. What I ended up with was a brighly-flourescent, sterile light in a birthing room. I wanted to nurse my baby right away. But, due to the emergency of his premature birth, he had to be taken away as quickly as possible.

So, there were many things that did not add up to a crunchy, earthy, homey birth for my son. He is a wonderful, loving human being in spite of all that, which just proves that imprinting isn't everything. Loving parents and a supportive family life to do the same thing as a calm birth experience. However, after finding out I was pregnant again, I kept chasing that golden rainbow of midwives, home-birth and non-hospitalness.

A friend of mine, whose daughter is friends with Carrick, recommended a midwifery birthing center up in Flagstaff that she used for her daughter's birth. After an interaction with them last fall during a miscarriage, I quite agreed that this was the way to go. I had met with them once before, when I first found out I was pregnant last fall. However, before I could start prenatal care, I had the miscarriage. The one woman I had met with was incredibly supportive and helpful during this time, so I really felt like they would be a good fit for this new pregnancy. They normally don't do any prenatal work until the second trimester. That is when the baby's heartbeat is clearly audible on the Dopplar (a small radio-type device they use to hear the baby's heartbeat.) So, I made an appointment with them at 11 weeks to start prenatal care.

Corey went with me to this initial visit, thankfully. They had a lot to share that was surprising and confusing. He was able to clarify for me as well as be the voice of reason. During that initial visit, the midwife who had been practicing the longest saw me. This was not the same woman I had worked with during my failed pregnancy. She had a totally different feel. She was vastly more concern with my preterm birth from my first pregnancy. She mentioned that when she has clients who have a history of preterm birth, she has them meet with an OB as well as with the midwives at the clinic for prenatal care. Corey was a little worried about the extra costs because we have private insureace, which covers NOTHING of pregnancy-related care.

She said that we would only have to meet with an OB two or three times out of the total prgnancy. This was because they can perform tests that the midwives can't do to detect signs of preterm labor. I felt like this woman wasn't hearing me when she recomended this course of action. I had explained to her how my son's birth went, and the reason that I was given for his early birth.

Thirteen weeks after Carrick was born, my midwife came to my house with another midwife who had been practicing for decades. Together, they examined Carrick's placenta, which I had frozen after his birth. They found a blood clot the size of the tip of my pinkie finger within the wall of the placenta. It's called an "internal hemmorrage". It doesn't show up on ultrasounds becuase it is not on the inside of the uterus. Nor does it show up as spotting becuase it's not on the side of the uters that can bleed out. It is literally in between the layers of tissue of the placenta. They had to peel it apart to find it. Gross, I know. There I was, in the same exact place where my water had broken 13 weeks previously, learning why it had happened. It was overwhelming, but it felt good to have "closure".

So, three years later, I found myself telling another midwife about this, thinking, "Look, lady, I didn't do anything wrong in my pregnancy, this just... happened. It's not like this is going to happen again." But after I finished telling her about Carrick's internal placenta hemorrage, she responded with something that shook me to my core. "That happens all the time," she said, " and women carry their children full term and never have a problem." Silence, shock. My brain said, "What?! Was this an excuse for shoddy prenatal care then? I'm out of reasons." I shared with her a few more reasons that I had thought could have contributed to his early birth, on top of the placenta issue, but she said, no. None of those things would cause a birth to be as early as he was.

So, to her, she had an ironclad reason for me seeing an OB in addition to getting midwifery care. But for me, I was falling back on my mother's instinct at that point. "That's just my son's personality. He's like HERE I AM!!! LOOK AT ME!!! Faster than fast and full of energy, which is just how he entered this world." I even shared this with her, half jokingly. I don't think she got it, though. Apparently mother's instinct wasn't something she could document, so it didn't count.

A few weeks went by after the initial visit up in Flagstaff. My parents came to spend some time with us and we were eating lunch up in Jerome when my phone rang. It was the midwife. She said that she had talked to the OB office that they usually work with when there are complications. She reported that they "don't even mess with women with a history of preterm birth. They send them directly to a perinatal specialist down in Phoenix." As soon as I got off the phone with her, I said, quite loudly and irritably, "The Hell I'm Going to Phoenix!"

That was the last straw. I didn't feel like I was being heard and I didn't want to recienve prenatal care from someone who was just going to sit around worrying about me and my baby. I needed someone who understood where I was coming from and was going to just work with whatever happened.

I decided that maybe I was trying too hard to cling to my organic, Earth-mother ideal of birthing with midwives in a pool of water. Maybe an OB could be the way to go. I remembered the doctor I had seen for my anual a year ago. It was the first guy doctor I had ever allowed to do the exam. I was suprisingly comfortable with him. He had a gentle bedside manner, and was very experienced with delivering babies. I ran the idea by Corey of using this guy for prenatal care. He was totally in support.

So I emailed the midwife. I told her that after thinking about the realities of giving birth in mid-February in Flagstaff, I had decided to use an OB in Cottonwood. Flagstaff is notorious for getting dumped on in the wintertime. A few years ago, they had so much snow that the roof of a shopping complex caved in! Needless to say, the roads are often closed during this time, including the main interstate, HWY 17 that runs all the way to Phoenix. She agreed that I had made a good decision. Then, she said what I had suspected all along. "I would have worried about you until you were 37 weeks." That was it. That's what I needed to hear. She would have worried and fussed over my "history of preterm labor" the whole time. I would have felt tense and uncomfortable. I patted myself on the back for following my gut.

Corey and I met with the OB in Cottonwood last week, and it felt like a breath of fresh air. When I told him about Carrick's birth, his response was, "Sometimes, there is no reason." THANK YOU!!! Finally, someone who isn't going to make a big deal about it, and just work with me and my pregnancy as it unfolds. No judgement, no expectations, no worries. Just taking it one day at a time. I will make my birth plan, and have the dim lights and soft music, even if I am in the hospital. What matters most is that mom and dad will be there to welcome and love that baby when the time is right for it to enter this world.