I love my 5-year-old son dearly. He is a whirlwind of energy, creative, funny and caring. He is also pretty sensitive. I know that most children are at this age. They start really honing their independence now that they are potty trained, can dress themselves, maybe even tie their own shoes (at the very least put them on by themselves.) They can make simple snacks, entertain themselves and can run around the yard knowing not to go into the street. Seems like smooth sailing sometimes.
But then there comes the inevitable conflict from getting out into the world. Since we can't keep our children in bubbles, they eventually have to interact with other children. One day last fall, I went on a play date with both kids to the duck park just around the corner from our house. I was meeting up with a mom whose son had been a former classmate of Carrick's at his old daycare. They hadn't really seen each other since the summer, so we decided to let the boys play. This mom had also invited another mom who lived down the street from her. I knew the mother on as an acquaintance from several of the other "mom meet ups". We had only chatted a bit, and our kids had never really hung out.
This new mother's oldest son is very much like my son. They both like to race and win, they like to be the leader, and they both like to be the boss. This made for some very interesting and intense play time. We were at the duck park for about two hours, and by the end of the time, this other mom's son was calling my son "Kevin" instead of Carrick, and calling him other names as well. I didn't really make a big deal about it at the time because I understand what it's like to have "that kid". I didn't want to make this other mom feel any more embarrassed than what she already might feel. Instead, I just went with the avoidance tactic.
From there on out, if there was a meet up that she would be at, and that her oldest son would be at, I made sure that Carrick was either in school, or we just would skip that particular meet up. Sounds wussy, I know, but my son was really hurt by what this kid said to him that day. I just didn''t know how to help him understand that what other people say doesn't matter, it's only about your opinion of yourself that matters.
The straw that broke the camel's back for me was at another play date. Three or four of us moms made a park visit during Christmas break. We all needed to get out of the house just as much as our kids did. Since we live in Arizona, we were blessed with a very mild Christmas Break. (We do get snow sometimes, but this year it was 55 the week before New Years.) I pulled into the parking lot and let Carrick out of his car seat. He took his soccer ball and sprinted for the playground. It took me a few minutes to get Lily into her stroller, and by the time I met up with the other moms, the conflict had already happened.
This other kid was there with his mom; it's a public park, so even those I didn't invite on the play date are more than welcome to be there too, right? I can't control who's at the public park. Carrick had run up to this kid and asked him, "Do you want to play soccer?" and the kids responds, "No. Soccer is Stupid!" Oh Jeez! Not this again!
They did alright after that initial confrontation, probably because there were so many other kids and lots of space to play. But close to when we decided to go, the other kid pushed Carrick down really hard and he hit the wood chips. The other kids helped him up and I walked over there to soothe my very upset son. As I was giving him a hug, this other kids comes by, just outside the group of concerned 4-year-olds, he winks one eye, and then takes aim with an imaginary gun he made with his fingers at Carrick!
Now I know it was just pretend, but that really bothered me. Was this kid just a cold-hearted bully? Did his mom know about his gansta-style kill shot? After that, I really didn't want my kid around him anymore. Physical violence coupled with pretend violence just didn't jive with me. I still didn't fault his mother. We hung out a few times after that (sans eldest). I never mentioned it to her either. I thought I would just let her be her own parent and I would just take care of my own kids.
So, another event came up where we were both invited. I saw that she had already RSVPed "yes" on facebook to the same family Super Bowl party that we were invited to. I RSVPed "no" simply because I was afraid. I didn't want to deal with an entire evening of fighting, hurting and name-calling. When I told my husband that I RSVPed "no" he wasn't all bothered. He's not really a sports fan. He was glad to be able to just stay home and chill out.
But that all changed come Super Bowl Sunday. I told him why I said we weren't coming and he had a total about-face. "You can't keep playing it like this," he said. "You can't continue this whole 'you get to go to this party, and I get to go to that party' thing. Eventually, these kids will have to work it out since you both run in the same circles."
"Okay, if you want to go to this Super Bowl Party, you are on Carrick duty. I am so not dealing with anything that arises. This is your idea, so you're in charge." So I texted the hostess to see if it was okay that we show up in spite of our "no" response. She was totally cool with it, so we were now committed.
We were one of the first ones to arrive, half an hour late. About an hour after we got there, the "other kid" came with his mom and younger brother. Corey took both boys into the play room and had a talk with them. I don't know what he said. I never asked, and he didn't tell, but by the end of the night, the two boys were sitting at the table making poop and fart jokes at each other and laughing hysterically.
There was only one instance that evening when Carrick came to me in tears. Apparently the kid called him "trash". I was very proud of Carrick for not fighting or name-calling this kid back. Instead, he did the agreed-upon thing and told me. He sat on my lap till he was calmed down, then went to play with other kids. Other than that, the evening went very smoothly.
Now, the other kid asks for Carrick and talks about him to his mom. "That kid Carrick, can we go play with him?" that sort of thing.
Sometimes, a little laughter is all that's needed. Other times, a good "talking to" by a parent or authority figure is also in order. In this case, both contributed to the successful mending of a broken beginning. Now we can all hang out and it doesn't matter who is going to which party :)
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