The Way We Word

As I move through the four agreements, you may notice that the agreements themselves sound rather simple. "Be impeccable with your word". How easy is that? Don't lie, don't gossip, don't use swear words, pretty basic, right? It's the stuff integrity is based on. However, in practice it is much much harder to do. As we examine each of these agreements, I want you to keep in mind a bit of advice I heard from my wise husband. Learn each agreement, just so that you are familiar with them. Then, go to each agreement in turn and make it your prayer, your mantra, your all-encompassing goal for that day, everyday, in everything you do, for weeks, or even months, until it becomes second nature. Practice only one agreement until you just go to it without having to even think about it, like breathing.

I share this because our society is set up in complete opposition to these agreements. From an early age we have behaviors modeled for us that not only teach us the opposite, but set us up for a lifetime of personal suffering. Most of our suffering is done on the mental and emotional level. Although some of the effects of our learned behaviors can carry over into physical form.

The words we use have the greatest impact on our lives. They are the manifestations of our thoughts. They have vibrations that can ripple through our bodies, through wires, cable, through the air, and into others. Words can create harm that lasts longer than physical wounds. Think about something someone said to you that made you feel about two inches high. How long ago was that? A bruise will mend itself and eventually disappear. However, words spoken without love can have an impact that lasts a lifetime. How many people live with images of themselves that they adopted as children based on what someone said to or about them?

With words, we are given a choice. We can speak with love, or we can evoke fear. Fear does not necessarily mean being scared of something. Fear is the opposite of love. One cannot exist where the other is present. The fear I speak of is fear of what someone can or can't do, or what someone is or isn't, not like phobia fear.

Once, I was at church, as an adult, singing a hymn.  I couldn't really hear myself because the organ was so loud, and the person I was with was even louder. But somehow, that person heard me singing. "Are you trying to sing off key?" they asked. ( True story) I looked at them incredulously. I could not believe that this person actually had the nerve to criticize my church singing. Who does that? From then on, I had a personal fear of not singing right, and every time I was with that person in church afterward, I would mouth the words and barely sing above a whisper. Sometimes I would even feel like crying just because of the hurt that those words inflicted upon my self-image. I was afraid of hearing those harsh words spoken towards me again. This was coming from someone I knew and trusted, and so the hurt was even greater than hearing it from a stranger. It would have been easier to shrug off if I didn't know the person. It still would have hurt, but at least I wouldn't have to see that person nearly every week at church. I eventually let it go and decided that I would rather sing with gusto off key, than stifle myself because of what someone else thinks.

If as adults we are wounded by words, think about how impressionable and vulnerable our children are. Think about how much more they absorb and notice than we do. Words, tone of voice, and body language all play into how we communicate, and our children pick up on all of that. Nothing escapes their perceptive brains. So, even if we are using words that sound kind, we can mix up the signal by using a harsh tone, or threatening body language.

A simple example is the word "Please". How many times have you, as a parent, used this word with anything but a polite tone? "Pick up your toys, PLEASE!" (As you shout because you're saying it for the tenth time.) You include the please because it makes it sound more polite, less demanding, and is a word you want your kids to say when requesting something. But your tone communicates anything but politeness. It's an order, not a request at that point, and no one, not even kids like to be ordered around. Okay, maybe Marines like to be ordered around, but kids, no, not really. It's an easy trap to fall into. You feel justified in your anger. You've repeated yourself once too many times and your patience is all but shot. However, the tone, the threat, the aggression are still there. You're not only hurting your children's image of themselves, you're modeling aggressive behavior. If you heard a man talking like that to a woman in public, you'd call the victim hot line.

No one is perfect. Parents, be kind to yourselves. But also, remember, what you say, and how you say it is the lifeblood of your children. Your words create the first formations of how they see themselves. It helps them lay the foundation for self-esteem that they will grow on their entire lives. If their foundation is riddled with cracks where they have been broken by your words, their life will build on that and eventually crumble. Help them build a solid foundation on which they can build a life they are proud of.

Words are also the beginnings of your relationship with them. This was what they experienced of you (and your partner) first, even before they were born. They could hear your voice, your words. your kids won't always be in need of what you provide as a parent. So when they grow up, what are you left with? You won't wipe their bottoms forever, nor will you spoon feed them in a high chair. When they are independent, what will they remember? How will they talk to you? Will they visit you? It all depends on how you speak to them now.

Even if you do find yourself in a moment of tension, anger, whatever, remember to say you're sorry. Modeling humbleness and admitting the hurt can help heal the damage. Maybe not completely, but it will show your child that you can take responsibility for your words and actions. A simple "I'm sorry" will also help you identify what you could have done differently, and move on from there. We are all walking the same path; a twisted and winding path of parenthood. We will stumble, but we need to remember to get back up and keep walking. Words will help you keep your footing. It's what everything else is based on.

This is my first installment of "Be impeccable with your word", the first agreement. Before my next entry, I invite you to just take note of the words you use, to yourself, to others, both spoken and unspoken. Don't judge them, just notice them. We will dive deeper into this agreement in the next few entries, finishing with useful techniques and resources for parenting. (It goes way beyond not yelling at your kids, by the way.) Until we meet again, happy speaking :)