Proactivity: Part 2

Another aspect of acting in a proactive manner is this: Choosing your response to circumstances instead of letting circumstances control you. This is a huge step in maturity. Some people are never able to implement this idea...ever. They let what happens to them dictate how they feel and what they think. Oftentimes, they blame the outside circumstances for their behavior, "If it wasn't so cold out, I wouldn't be so cranky."



This facet of proactive behavior is especially important for parents of toddlers to remember. As your young child is forming their own ideas and opinions about the world, how they want to do things, and how they respond to situations, we the parents are taken on a roller coaster ride of emotions and behavior. Our job as parents should be to implement this proactive behavior because, after all , WE are the adults with that ability. At 18 months, two, even three years of age, our children are not capable to choose their responses. They are directly reactive to whatever happens.



By the way, being reactive is the opposite of being proactive.



Since we, the adults have more developed brains, and have chosen to walk the path of parenthood, we need to remember to set our children up for successes rather than failures, teach them to give love instead of fear, and to communicate their needs and thoughts to us. We start to set up our children for a successful toddler hood when we choose not to be sucked into their reactive state. We must detach and remain proactive and choose how we respond to them.

This is one of those things that becomes a challenge to parents during outbursts, "tantrums" as some call them, choosing to remain calm, even though the child is freaking out about something. This used to be an enormous challenge for me. I liked nothing better than to shout at Carrick when he was crying about something , like not getting the toy he wanted, or not letting him throw his food on the floor. In his reactive state, he can't really control how he acts towards my parental decisions, however, I am fully capable of controlling my resoponses to his behavior.

Now, instead of getting that instant gratification that comes with over-yelling the tantrum, I either choose to ignore it, depending on the cause of the outburst, or I choose to sit with him for a while until he calms down. Also, I don't think I need to point out how pointless it is to shout back at an upset toddler anyway. It only makes them cry harder.

I must put an asterisk here*. The asterisk is this: The stern voice has its place. There are a few times when it's necessary to use shouting or an abrupt "No!". If the child is in immediate danger, go right ahead. This usually catches them off guard for just a few moments until you can get to where they are and take them out of danger. But, do save this for only emergencies. If they are banging on the TV screen and you're too lazy to get off the couch to stop them and redirect them, that doesn't count.

Please examine how you approach your toddler's behavior over the next week. See if you find yourself getting just as upset as they do. If so, perhaps you might want to consider choosing how your respond to them. The next time they slip into one of their inconsolable moods, try picking them up, or sitting with them on your lap. It will take a while to reshape the way your respond to them if you're used to being reactive. Be patient with yourself too. Give yourself a pat on the back every time you make a decision about how to respond, rather than going with the first thing that pops into your head. You might just see a change in your child too.