Moving on in the world of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and applying it to my parenting, I come to the first habit that is not totally just about me, it's about how I deal with others. This habit is known as "Think Win/Win." I love the concept behind this habit because it is so unlike how we are trained to think in the modern society in which we live. Everywhere we turn, there are examples of someone winning while someone else is loosing. So to reshape our thoughts about winning and loosing, let's talk about habit # 4 as it applies to the world of a toddler.
At the wonderful age of two, sometimes several months before, we encounter the emerging will of our young child. Some people opt to label this new developmental stage as the "terrible twos". What they are really saying is this: I want to win, and I want my child to loose. Now, no parent is ever going to admit that's what they are thinking, but essentially, that's the essence behind the battle of the wills with a toddler. The parent has one thing in mind and the child has something completely different in mind. Since the adult has the brains and the brawn to win every time, they probably don't give the considerations of the child too much thought. They may just brush their behavior off as being stubborn or a "typical two-year-old."
You may be thinking to yourself, "How can I possibly think win/win with someone who is unable to reason or make proper decisions for themselves?" Here's how: Instead of going into rounds with your child about silly things, start "choosing your battles" so to speak. By only choosing to impose your will when absolutely necessary, you're giving your child the space to exercise their will when it's not harmful to themselves or others. They need this practice if they are ever going to learn how to stand up for themselves on the playground, or tell a stranger no, or not let their values be compromised. Will is the foundation of the self. Without it, your child will either lash out later, imposing their will on others in an undesirable way. Or the total opposite may happen, they might end up letting people walk all over them their whole lives.
Here is an example of choosing the battles with my own two-year-old. This winter has been exceptionally cold in AZ. We literally began the first week of winter with sticking snowfall and single digit temperatures. In spite of this, my son insists that he needs to take his shoes and socks off and run around barefoot. (Slippers go the same way, he'll have none of them on his feet.) By the end of the night, his little toes are so cold, not frost bit, not blue, but cold. Since he would throw an absolute fit if I tried to put on even his socks, I decided to let it go. He's not really harming himself. If his toes were that cold, he'd be uncomfortable and unable to run around and play. But since he's fine with it ( and I ask him a couple times throughout the night just to check in, "Would you like me to put on your socks?") I don't push it. Why fight over something so small?
Beginning with this practice will help you ease into the thinking of win/win. You will start to discover ways that you and your toddler can win by not fighting over small things. Let you kiddo discover who they are, and allow their will to develop without squashing it. Help them make sound decisions by offering options you're okay with. (Like instead of just letting them turn on the TV, offer them two videos to choose from that you approve of.)
Do this for several days, maybe even a week. See where your creative brain leads you. Does your thinking change at all? Does your child's behavior seem to calm down when they are not constantly being told "no"?
In my next post I will talk more about Habit #4 and give more examples of how we use it in our home.
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