Habit 5 is perhaps one of the more difficult ones for people to wrap their minds around, right up there with being proactive. How many times have you been in a conversation and you find yourself nodding your head in agreement because you not only understand what the person is going through, but you have a similar story and can't wait for them to stop talking so that you can share what's on your mind? "Yeah, yeah, yeah," you think as they continue on, "this happened to me..." and before you know it, you lost what they were saying because you were so focused on what you wanted to say to them.
This habit is about truly listening, not just providing an ear for someone else to communicate to. When we listen, and do it genuinely, we are able to repeat back what was said to us. Now take it a step further, not only hear what was said, and be able to repeat it back, but now, repeat it back so that the true message of what was said is captured. If someone just tells you that their dog died, you wouldn't come right back at them with a "Oh, wow! That's great! Your dog DIED!!!!" in an ecstatic tone. No, you'd sound like a heartless baffoon. Instead, you'd say something like, "It sounds to me like this is a hard time for you to go through. You had that dog for fifteen years. It must be difficult loosing a friend you were so close to," in a more somber tone.
The reason that this habit makes it into the cannon of the seven habits is becuase it puts people more at ease, lowering their defenses. If someone has their hands up ready to fight, they are not going to hear what you have to say. You are more effective with your words if the person you are speaking to feels understood, because that way, they are more likely to understand you.
For those of you who have read my previous entries, does this type of talking sound familiar? Several months ago I wrote an entry about "Toddler Speak", based on the book "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." Habit #5 directly uses the concepts in the 'Happiest' book, only it doesn't just tell us to use it on toddlers....we can use it on everybody.
Everyone wants to be understood, adults, teenagers, toddlers, even infants. But for now let's focus on what it means to understand a toddler first (then we will focus on how to be understood.) As discussed in my previous entry, if we repeat back to the toddler what they are telling us, in the tone they are expressing it, they are more likely to clam down faster in an elevated situation. This holds true because they know they have not only been heard, but understood.
Since reading about this habit, I have been using it with Carrick, and not only when he is in an elevated temper to try to calm him. I have been repeating everything he says to me as much as possible. "Mama, mama, mama!!! Gogur! Gogur!!!" he'll say to me, hanging from the refridgerator door. "You want some yogurt?" I'll say, and he'll nod hid head yes. He reached out with a need/want, I acknowledged that I heard his desire, and he responded affirmatively that that was what he was wanting.
Now, what do you suppose this will do for Carrick as he grows older? Not only does this practice model for him an effective habit, but it also teaches him good communication skills (which in my opinion are sorely lacking in today's culture). Message sent, message received, response sent, response received are the four parts of a conversation. All four of these parts need to be in alignment for good and effective communication. So, repeating back what was said makes sure that the person recieveing the message got it right.
My husband uses this habit with his sales. "Let me see if I'm hearing you correctly," he'll say to a customer, "you don't want to take this home today because you need to talk to your wife about it first. Is that right?" Immediately, he puts the customer at ease and their defenses are lowered. They don't feel like they have to fight off a salesman. This leaves them open to hear what he has to say, and not shut him out because they are worried about him selling them anything.
Your homework for this week is to repeat everything back to your toddler. Be like a mirror to them. Say what you think they are trying to tell you in the manner in which they are telling to you, and see what happens. I have found that in doing this, Carrick's toddler meltdowns have been so few and far between that when they do happen, I am almost taken aback because they are so unexpected. He has the sense of being understood, and so he isn't constantly trying to get my attention to feel understood. He knows that if he needs my attention about something, it will be heard and responded to immediately. His defenses are lowered. He's not in the fight or flight mode, he's in the play and tell mommy all about it mode.
Listen to your children. They are budding and learning, and all they really want is someone to listen to what they are experiencing in their new and ever-expanding world.
Next time: You have now set the stage for you to be understood, the gem of getting your point across, and the daily challenge of any parent.
No comments:
Post a Comment