I have noticed that Carrick is in a phase of wanting to repeat everything he hears. This past week I had my wisdom teeth extracted and I was in a great deal of pain in the days to follow. In a moment of weakness the day after the procedure, I reacted to the parakeets' incessant chirping and yelled, "Shut up, birds!" Needless to say, I was not being proactive, but I call an exemption from pain delirium. I should have chosen my words better because the next day at breakfast, the birds were peacefully chatting to one another, and Carrick looked over at the cage and said, "Shup, Bird!"
Being understood goes beyond having a toddler parrot everything you say or do. While my story is amusing, it is also very telling. Carrick understood the words, but he failed to realize the situation behind the outburst. When the birds are being loud and annoying, it's no fun for us to listen to, but when they are chirruping and making sweet sounds, there is no need to quiet them. Your toddler being able to understand you comes from meaning and context. This idea goes hand-in-hand with you repeating back t them what they say in the manner in which they say it.
Here is an illustration of what I mean. Carrick has a hard time with hitting, especially when he gets tired or overwhelmed. Before any of us knows what's going on, he's attacked his best friend, not only causing him to cry, but causing Carrick to cry as well. It is incredibly frustrating, particularly because I am best friends with Carrick's best friend's mom. So, because we all hang out together so much, there is a need for reconciliation and friendship maintenance.
So, how do I help my toddler out in this type of stressful situation? I begin by being proactive and choosing my response, not yelling. Then I put first things first and separate Carrick from the situation. Then I begin with the end in mind, knowing that I want Carrick to apologize to his friend. I think win/win and take him into another room and close the door. I hold Carrick on my lap until he calms down and then I begin to talk to him. I seek first to understand what he says about the situation. I ask him, "Carrick, can you tell mommy what happened?" Sometimes I help him work through what happened by prompting him. Occasionally he needs help telling me what happened because he doesn't always know what happened. After all, he is only two.
"Did you hit your friend?" I'll ask him. "I did it, hit," he'll say. "Did you make your friend cry?" and I make a sad face. "I did it, cry. Dee-dee cry. I hit Dee-dee," he'll respond (Dee-dee is what he calls his friend.) "Is that a nice thing to do? Do we hit our friends?" I'll wait for him to answer and sometimes I have to help him with this one. "No, we don't hit our friends. That hurts. Owie. You don't want to give your friend owie do you?" "I did it, owie," he'll say. "What can we do instead of hitting? Can we be gentle?" and I'll pet his hand in a gentle way to demonstrate. "Can we give hugs?" and I'll hug him. "Can we give high-fives?" and we high-five. "These are all things we can do instead of hitting. Hitting hurt, Owie, cry. We want to be Gentle, give hugs, and high-fives."
Then comes the big part, the apology. "So, what so we say to our friends when we hit them and we didn't mean to? Can we say 'sorry'?" Then I make a fist and rub my chest in a circle for the sign for sorry and I say 'sorry'. Then I do the sign on his chest and say sorry. "Can you do it?" I ask. Then I repeat it, my chest, his chest. Then I say, "can you say 'sorry'?" After two or three times, he'll say it with me, sometimes he'll even do the sign on my chest. Then I stand up and hold his hand, "Can we go out to say I'm sorry?" and I walk out with him to see his friend.
When we get there, I set up the situation. "Carrick has something he wants to say to you. Carrick, what would you like to say to your friend?" Then I do the sign on my chest and whisper sorry and usually, he'll do the same.
Kids need help deciphering their world and by taking time and being patient with them, they can begin to understand what's going on. If they can't understand their own thoughts and actions, how can they possibly understand what we are trying to convey? By using the appropriate tone, facial expressions, even signs and gestures, they can begin to wrap their minds around events and situations that would otherwise be too overwhelming. This is how you can be most effective with being understood by your opinionated, reactive and unpredictable toddler. Sometimes conversations like the one I just shared need to happen several times before the memory of how to deal with that situation catches on in their minds, so have patience and persistence with this endeavor.
One of the biggest challenges we face as parents is for our words and more importantly, our message to be understood by our young ones. Remember that they are young and therefore not fully developed. Listen to what they have to say and give them space for their voice to be heard as well as yours. You are actually in the beginning stages of a lifelong relationship with your child. Start it off right with allowing for you to both be heard and understood.
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