Habit #6- Synergize

So, what the heck is synergy anyway? I always associated that word with business conferences and team building exercises, but I never really understood, or cared, what that crazy word meant, until now. The fruits of your efforts of the first five habits results in what is called synergy. Synergy is the outcome of person A and person B working together and as a result, their efforts are better than anything they could do just by themselves. Dr. Covey uses the mathematical equation of 1+1=3 to illustrate this concept. There is a subtle difference between synergy and "compromise" that we must be clear of before we go any further. Compromise is when person A makes a concession and so does person B. Each person gives up something of what they want so that at least a part of what they want gets to happen. In Synergy, person A and B work together and find a solution that is even better than either one of them could have thought of. No one gives up anything, and everyone is satisfied with the results. That is synergy.

Now, the 65 million dollar question is "How do I synergize with a toddler?"

Believe it or not, there is in fact a way to synergize with an opinionated, tempermental, reactive toddler. In Dr. Covey's book "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families" he talks about another type of synergy that happens between two people when actual synergy is not possible. This is the synergistic effect that happens during the process of trying to come up with a solution. It's essentially cooperation. He says that in the attempt at cooperation, the benefits are substantial even if there is no solution that makes everyone feel like they've won.

I would like to point out just how well toddlers are suited for this second kind of synergy. Most of the time, they want what they want and they want it NOW. They don't really care what it means for you the parent to get it for them, or how impossible it might be for whatever it is to happen. They get something in their brains and it sticks. This is the key for you as the parent to exercise "cooperational synergy". Go ahead, give them what they want, but guide them to do something for you before they get what they want.

At our house, Carrick still nurses a little bit throughout the day. He is in the begining stages of weaning and he doesn't nurse for very long when he does nurse. However, he does ask for it several times a day. Almost without fail, he will ask to nurse after he's done eating meal. Mommy is still eating when he makes these requests. I have every intention of nursing him, but it will be on my time and on my terms, since it isn't his main source of nutrition, more like a connective experience with mommy. So, as he is pulling his stool up to my chair to try to climb on my lap, I tell him, "You want mommy time? You want to nurse?"
"Nurse!" he shouts back.
"Okay, if you want to nurse, go sit on the couch. Couch! Nurse! Mommy time!" Then he gets down off of his stool and sits on the couch and plays around till I'm done. Sometimes he will forget his request and he ends up playing with some toys instead. However, I didn't deny what he wanted, I simply postponed it. He heeded my words because he knew I would follow up with him in a short while. I got to finish my food without him on my lap and he felt heard and acknowledged. We worked together and found synergy, cooperation.

Another example of toddler/parent synergy is in household tasks. Most toddlers I have come across love nothing more than to help unload the dishwasher, put the laundry in the hamper, take the trash out and vaccuum. I have said this one many times before, but it merrits repeating, "Let your kids help". This is another simple way to experience cooperation with your toddler.

Next time, I want to share the synergy I have experienced while interacting with other parents. With every toddler, there comes a parent, and learning to look for ways to synergize with the parents of other toddlers, we can learn from eachother and help eachother on our parenting journey.